Year: 2010

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That which we call love

But of course, on Sad Men’s Day, what would one expect from me but some rumination on the helplessness of my situation?

It’s not that I don’t believe that the rational, scientific efforts I use in every other part of my life won’t work for love. It is a rather naive view that somehow we humans aren’t predictable, that we can’t make (fake?) ourselves attractive to others. Everyone has buttons that can be pushed.

However, I don’t want to think of love in that way which would work easiest. Just because it is as much a matching problem as finding a job doesn’t mean that we must treating finding a girlfriend the same way. There is a fundamental desire to work in a different light, to not have one’s entire life conform to one strict philosophy, to keep some parts of this world left to wonder. So even if I as a rational agent don’t believe in true love, I desperately want to. I don’t want to prepare for dating as I would a job interview. And I am willing to give up that success in order to keep this belief alive. Perhaps this is undue stubbornness on my part. But we are made to compromise on everything else in life that I think maybe this is somewhere where I can take a stand. At least you know now how to be alone for 27 Valentine’s days.

Part of the problem is that I’m not even sure what I want, or what I could even offer. I don’t want someone to love me for material reasons, and so I do not pursue wealth. I also don’t think anyone will love me for my mind. I’m not dumb, but I’m no genius, either. Perhaps it’s because my cohort is so amazing, or maybe because I don’t like myself all that much, but if you’re my friend, chances are I think you’re stronger, smarter, and sexier than me. And no one will love me for my physical self, I can guarantee you that. So what else is there left for me to give? I can only offer my flawed self.

I do know, though, that there are three people in the world who would love me for as me. And the record shows that I could be a better son and a better brother.

But shouldn’t love be something simple? Life is complicated enough as it is without all these machinations, speaking obtusely, complicated societal rules of engagement. Surely someone else also sees through the masque; truth is simpler than fiction.

All of this is to say that I am confused and alone, as always. It is silly to think that we were put on this world to be happy. Most of us suffer, and it’s not hard for me to believe that love is only for the lucky and the strong. So until inspiration hits, I will wait until my grave, and I will wait.

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SFB Balanchine Program

Saturday 2pm, 2/13. It’s really not that hard to understand why Balanchine is worshipped as a choreographic genius, and today’s program showed why.

“Serenade” started out the program, and I must say it was nice to see Elana Altman on the stage. Kristin Long and Yuan Yuan Tan also had soloist roles. I don’t remember if I’ve seen “Serenade” live before, but it is strikingly beautiful. KL seemed to be sprightlier than I remember; perhaps her injury (injuries?) have finally healed. YYT is elegant as always, although there was some sort of hairclip problem that was very conspicuous. From youtube, it looks like the hair was supposed to go down intentionally, but it sure looked a little awkward. One might say unballetic. Oh well.

I don’t know what it is, but for some reason I have a very hard time staying awake during “Stravinsky Violin Concerto,” despite not disliking either the music or the ballet itself. Maybe it’s just that I get really tired during the middle of the program, or that the complexity of it all tires my brain out. Nonetheless, it was a great show by Altman and Vanessa Zahorian.

But really it was Maria Kochetkova in “Theme and Variations” that stole the show. She’s a freakin’ dynamo of energy and effervescence. And despite being rather short, her lines are unbelievable — she inhabits so much more space and radiates so much confidence. It’s very hard to take your eyes off her when she’s dancing. Taras Domitro also had a clean, regally understated performance, but he didn’t show up for the curtain call. Hopefully he’s ok and not injured. There was one bit of partnering where maybe something didn’t go quite right.

I remember seeing an excerpt of “Theme and Variations” during Tina Leblanc’s farewell performance. Today’s performance seemed so much more infused with spirit. But then again, I think sitting up close gives a much different perspective than back in the standing room area. I really am beginning to think that distance mutes the effect of ballet. Going back up to the balcony section would probably be torture at this point.

Two pieces by Tchaikovsky in one show seemed a little repetitive, much as I like his music.

I have to find a way to see program 2, which ends next weekend. It will also be an exciting weekend next weekend, because we’re supposed to go see a company class of SFB right before the show on Sunday. One of the perks of being a Stanford student and having Muriel Maffre as a teacher, I suppose. I don’t know why going to see a class seems so exciting, but I’m excited. I’ll probably stay and see the program afterward, which is the Balanchine program again. Hopefully the cast is different, but to be honest I wouldn’t mind seeing the same dancers again.

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Those little things in life

  • The other day, while heading from campus back home, I was stuck behind a Porsche Boxster for 2 miles who was driving slower than me.
  • I’m sure some people would find this fun, but trying to figure out which job offer to accept, and doing negotiations and stuff is really tiring me out. Waking up in the middle of the night wondering if I’m going to make the right decision kind of sucks.
  • Looks like there’ll be an Elana Altman sighting this Saturday. Also, Katita Waldo announced her retirement after this season. Kind of sad to see these principals retire. Reminds you of how short life is, or something.
  • It feels strange to say, but I’m really not liking all these three-day weekends while at school. It takes so long to build mental momentum, and the breaks really break it.
  • Nearing the 1-year anniversary with ballet. She is a cruel mistress.
  • Saw tp girl eating lunch last week, but then a guy sat down next to her.