Remember when our college fiction-writing teacher gave a minute-long encomium about how Pynchon never visited Germany or North Africa but was still able to write Gravity’s Rainbow, and then told us that we weren’t Thomas Pynchon, so write about what we know?
For me, this is what I call life
It’s been a very strange and somehow productive week.
- A minor cold that lasted through roughly Wednesday nearly threw my entire schedule off kilter, but through some miracle, work got done. It’s really miserable how getting physically ill can nip one’s desire to do anything. I feel as though a lot of my momentum was reset because of a rather innocuous cold.
- Yet another coworker is out on vacation and I’m the point for some major project. My stress level is kind of high; thank god for copious amounts of caffeine and lack of ulcers so far. On the other hand, it’s nice to be kept busy. See below.
- I don’t know what I was expecting from a movie entitled Melancholia, but that shit was depressing. I had a terrible night of sleep and just felt really terrible about life in general. Which means, of course, that it was a powerful movie and that I kind of liked it. It’s the third movie that made me nauseous, the previous two being The Perfect Storm (where I think I got seasick) and Never Let Me Go (which is in my top 10 list). Perhaps I should stop torturing myself. Making it a point to just watch happy movies from here on out might be a good idea. I’d be happy to take suggestions.
- Went to see the doctor about the right ear, which has been bothering me for a few months now. It feels like it’s a little clogged and sounds are a little muted. But evidently it’s not wax buildup like I thought it was, and the doc said it was probably an issue with the eustachian tube. Taking some medicine to see if it helps, but I just hope it doesn’t get worse. I blame this for my lack of balance.
- How can this Ruger be sold out everywhere? Seems like really bad production planning. I just want to buy something. So sad. Should I just get a TV instead? Or maybe the kitten…
- First spring performance is coming up this week. So many of the girls are injured, it’s kind of disheartening. And in general, the doubts are starting to gain some ground over the beauty of it all. I’m going to need some inspiration to not give up after the spring shows. I could use a spark to re-instill that wonder that I know is there, somewhere. Being the worst dancer really does make it feel like I’m in survival mode constantly. Ballet is becoming quite the love-hate relationship; knowing me, that’s probably why I can’t let go.
I guess all the above makes the last week sound really negative, which it really wasn’t. This weekend was quite nice outside the imminent work pileup. No rain and lots of sunshine was comforting. I was able to have dinner with some cousins; we hardly ever have so many of us together outside of weddings and funerals. I also got to visit some coworkers and their kid, who’s pretty cute.
But I do feel that I am just groping blindly into the unknown at this point. I still need some change to stir me out of my complacency, and I don’t know where it will come from. I know that I should just pin my ears down and charge onward, ignoring these thoughts and doubts. Something is holding me back, and I’m afraid it will be myself.