Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this, and this time I’m not talking about continuing to live this horrid life. My ankles and knees feel like they’re chewed up. And something deep in my left hip hurts; it feels pretty sore. I try to figure out a movement that will make it pop like a knuckle, but I just can’t do it. Hopefully it’s not anything serious.
My old orchestra conductor had this theory which I believe is true and applies to the learning of any skill. That it sounds somewhat Kuhnian probably adds to its compellingness. It says that progress comes in steps, with plateaus in between. The point being that there will be long stretches of time when little or no progress is seen, but you just have to push through because eventually you’ll reach that next jump and everything will seem awesome for a short while again, until you get stuck at the next plateau; but at least you’ll be higher at that point, and somehow that signifies that you’ve accomplished something in life.
Okay, so I realize that in an adult class, you’ll have dancers of varying skills; sometimes, professionals also attend the open classes, and, while it’s fun to watch them, it’s also sometimes soulcrushingly disheartening. However, I feel like there is something to be done about the state of ballet pedagogy: no matter how many times you don’t teach me how to do a brise, I won’t be able to learn it. It also irks me that we only spend 2 minutes on each combination. I understand that the ballet vocabulary is large, but I can’t help wondering if it would be easier to learn things if we concentrated on one or two steps a class for 15 minutes. But really, what the hell do I know about such things? Maybe I’m just being impatient.
Work has also picked up a little, which may also be a contributing factor to the general increase in the level of my tiredness. And since it (viz., my tiredness) already started out at such vaunted levels, one cannot but think that that also contributes to a decided lack of vim in the later hours of the day.
Also, I’m beginning to get a little scared that I’ll fuck something up for my Clara and ruin a girl’s dream, etc. Even the gods don’t know how I’ll survive doing an acting role, or how I ended up in one…