I think the brunt of the storm inside my mind has passed. I must say that this past weekend was actually really, really nice, in addition to being quite hot.
- Had a performance on Saturday which I thought went pretty well. There was a close call where one guy didn’t show up until like 2 minutes before we were supposed to get on stage, but everything worked out in the end. I really enjoy the BANDW show. It’s kind of a low-pressure environment and it’s fun to watch other groups perform as well. I even received some compliments, which is quite the rarity. Although to my chagrin, I think there is a picture with me in it on facebook.
- Went for a short hike on the trails in Montalvo Arts Center, which was quite pretty. The trail was mostly shaded, which was nice because the day was mostly hot, mostly.
- I spent a few hours house hunting on Sunday. Everything seems either kind of shitty or kind of pricey. I guess there’s no real way around that, though. Housing prices here are just so ridiculous.
- I think I was also mildly productive at work today, which was a pleasant surprise. There’s still a neverending supply of tasks awaiting me, but it does feel good to knock a few things off my list.
I’ve been listening to Jewel’s “Goodbye Alice in Wonderland” on repeat. It’s such a simple song, but somehow so poignant, at least in my current mood.
I suppose the reason for this post is a call to action for myself. It’s been a hard lesson, but I think I’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that, in my stubborn state, I will never get what I want. Which is kind of sad because doing things my way has gotten me pretty damn far in life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get me across the finish line. I guess I will have to start changing in order to get the girl…
Maybe my friend is right and there aren’t people my age that are still dreamers, that still cling to those idealizations we held as children or even teenagers. At what point did we lose that sense of belief and wonder, that crazy headstrong sort of love? Everything now seems laced with cynicism or ulterior motives. I’m not convinced that people get more complicated as they get older, but perhaps it is just the same reason why it’s harder for adults than children to learn new things: we overthink things, we get into our own heads, we get too comfortable in our ways, we know fear and disappointment.
And so maybe there aren’t actually people who believe in the things that I do, and that all I see are things that aren’t really there. Maybe hoping to be accepted while refusing to play by the rules is too much to ask. In many spheres, I would gladly accept the challenge of playing at a handicap, but in this I have no competitive advantage and no success. I suppose it really was “just a reflection of my lonely mind wanting what’s been missing in my life.”
Things will change, probably very slowly, but things will change. I’m looking at my new year’s resolution to take things to the next level, and it’s time to redouble my efforts. I’m not going to give up on this year yet.