Update and Validation

It’s kind of been a wild and strange past few weeks, so much so that I came this close to asking a girl out. But it all dissipated, and now I am left alone again, naturally. What a great song.

Some combination of work, my ineptitude and frustration at ballet, popping excedrin as caffeine pills, and girls injuring their ankles on pointe has made me feel physically ill the past few weeks. I think the ulcer is caused by aspirin in excedrin, which my stomach might have quite a sensitive response towards. It might be exacerbated by the copious amounts of caffeine I’ve ingested the past few weeks because of the crazy work hours. Evidently, people leaving for vacation does not much diminish our team’s workload. ┬áThe waves of nausea I think are as much psychological as from the ulcer. Sometimes, life and I don’t get along.

I overheard this song and have been listening to it on repeat for a while now. It is, for lack of a better phrase, hauntingly beautiful.

Packing up the house in San Diego was kind of depressing and nostalgic, but also a giant pain in the ass. Having to pack and move things annually is really starting to wear me down. Also, did not manage to make it to the beach in yet another sd trip.

I think the reason why I like Princess Mononoke more than the other Miyazaki films is because it has a grandness of scale without being proselytizing; there is no good or evil. Although I don’t mind if Arrietty comes to the States sometime soon.

A rough outline of my emotional roller coaster ride since July 4:

  • Had to work on company holiday to get stuff done in time.
  • Crazy 3-day work schedule where I think I worked like 40 hrs.
  • Went to get violin bows rehaired, re-discovered choco pies, had some really good classes. Felt on top of the world for that weekend.
  • Things came crashing down quickly. An intense feeling of isolation, as though my friends have abandoned me.
  • Work hasn’t let up, but on the other hand, receiving an unexpected peer bonus really kept me together.
  • Had a bad class where I felt like I couldn’t do anything. Pointework still makes me want to jump off a cliff. Was nervous and stressed out about the pdd class the entire week, which turned out to be kind of an interesting experience. No girls fell, so I think that’s a good sign. I guess it’s only been one class, but I feel like I’m totally worthless at this.
  • Girl injures her ankle on pointe, and I pretty much feel sick the entire weekend.
  • I still feel so ineffectual at work. It’s like I have 2 different jobs, and I’m okay at one and slowly sinking in the other.
  • On the other hand, the goog’s stock is almost back to levels where they were.
  • Reserved a campsite at Yosemite, but no one seems to be able to make it. I guess I’ll go alone.
  • Trying to sleep while under the spell of pervasive loneliness, and then having to wake up the next morning still feeling all hollow inside. Repeat every 24 hrs.
  • Ulcer hits, body wants to collapse in a corner and do nothing.
  • Slept for 8 hours Friday night, followed by about 4 hours of naps on Saturday. Worked almost all of Sunday to catch up.
  • Weird experience of seeing google girl in class after like a year’s absence.
I feel as though the very small but manageable world I created is starting to crack. I don’t really know what’s going on, or whether I am progressing or not. All I know is that it’s been a frustrating month, punctuated by some rays of light. Maybe I’m fine with my current trajectory. Maybe I’ll become a hermit and live in the forest. Maybe I should seriously try to get a girlfriend. I don’t know.