Where am I?

For months now, I’ve kept hoping against hope that I’d have time to organize my thoughts in some coherent manner, but I don’t think that will happen any time soon. I’ve overcommitted to things (work and extracurricular) and haven’t had nearly enough downtime to process some of these long strands of thoughts that I really need to resolve. On the one hand, being super busy keeps the demons at bay; on the other, things just pile up and will come to a head eventually. Anyway, these thoughts will be quite incomplete and not quite the magnum opus of posts envisioned in my mind.

Yes, I am actually going to move to San Francisco on what has been a more-or-less spur of the moment decision. I know a lot of friends were quite surprised when I told them, and to be honest, so was I. It was an idea that I’ve entertained for years, but never thought I would actually do. This is going to majorly derail what I thought I was going to do this year: buy a place in the South Bay or peninsula and settle down. Instead of laying down roots, I will be upending a good chunk my current life. I hope for the better, but I have lots of doubts. To say that I’m not a city person is an understatement. And to follow friends into the city and become a part of (and in some sense, buy into) that false cachet of living in San Francisco life pains me to the core. We’ll see how long I can stand the hipster snobbery, and whether through prolonged exposure I’ll become one of them or not.

But it’s been clear that my life has been stagnating of late, and with the recent, all-too-evident failures to progress on certain life goals, some self-imposed shakeup is absolutely necessary. I must admit that my not getting the promotion has affected me more than I would have expected, even having been warned beforehand that it would have been a tossup at best this cycle. I really could use a spark of inspiration on the work front, because my current set of projects are draining me and leaving something to be desired.

And the fact that I still can’t talk to this girl for fear that I might fall for her again really depresses me to no end. It’s just so stupid that I want to cry. Also, the fact that I keep having these dreams/nightmares does not help at all — even when I sleep 8 hours a night, I don’t feel rested at all in the morning.

Wedging some physical distance from work I hope will help combat the doldrums I seem to be in, as well as enable me to detach more from work. A change of scenery and a change of pace will likely do me good. I am not too keen on the longer commute, but if I can get some work (or sleep) done on the shuttle, I hope the extra 2 hours a day will not be a complete loss. And as much as I will miss whatever reduced contact with my friends down here, I’m excited to hopefully see more often my friends up there (whom I don’t visit nearly enough, and who also never seem to come down here). And to meet new people, even though it scares and exhausts me to do so.

At some point, I will have to go through the exact logistics of what I will and will not be able to do after the move. I really hope that I can stick with WB, but I’m really unclear if performing will be a real possibility. Maybe it will be good to not spend all non-work hours in ballet, to have some forced downtime and to explore new things. But I will really, really miss the friends and the experiences it’s given me. A lot of things are in the air right now, which is probably a good thing because I don’t know who I am, and now is as good a time as any to go exploring and figure some things out.

One Reply to “Where am I?”

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through such a blue period, seantime. I too have been recently since my second startup in a row crashed and burned. At the end of this month I return to the Bay Area with my tail between my legs, my wallet empty, and my compass pointing in all directions and none at the same time.

    I don’t know what the answer is, but I know that it involves dim sum. And I know that external change even for its own sake can help bring about internal change.

    I look forward to eating dimsum with you.

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